Helping someone you know

Help your friend recognize the abuse:

Ask questions and talk about what is happening to her. Help your friend to see that what is happening is not normal and to see the signs of abuse. Tell her or him that it will probably get worse.

Support your friend’s strength:

Recognize the things that your friend does to take care of herself. Encourage your friend’s strengths and courage. Encourage your friend to do things with you, and with other friends, to have some enjoyment apart from the relationship.

Be nonjudgmental:

Try to see that your friend is confused because she is frightened by the violence, but wants the love or security from being with the partner. If your friend wants to stay in the relationship, or goes back and forth about it, try not to tell her that she is wrong. Tell her that you are worried about her safety and self-respect. Help your friend recognize the abuser’s excuses for being violent (which blame the victim).

Help your friend with safety plans:

Help your friend focus on being safe. Help her use what she knows about particular resources and about the abuser’s patterns to figure out ways to be safe when the abuser is explosive or violent, or verbally or sexually abusive. For example, if your friend is being abused or harassed by her partner, walk with her to school or have her stay over at your house when he is threatening her.

Be there, listen:

Even if your friend breaks up with the abuser and goes back, listen. Support her strength. Eventually your friend will leave, especially with the support of friends.

If your friend breaks up with the abuser, keep up the support:

It takes a while to get over a relationship that is violent. Keep in close contact through the times she is lonely, or scared, or mad about herself. Your friend my feel like getting back together. She may miss the partner or may not feel strong enough to resist the pressure to get back together.

Help your friend talk to adults to get help if she is a minor:

Talk with your friend about telling parents or other adults. Go with her to see a counselor or to enroll in a support group. If she won’t talk to an adult, then you must find an adult you trust to talk to about it. Ask your parents or a school counselor, nurse, or administrator. Ask the adult to help, to reach out, to intervene. Talk to your friend’s parents about what is happening to your friend. Don’t assume that your friend’s parents know about the abuse.

If you become frightened or frustrated, get support from friends and family members or other adults:

Educate yourself about dating violence. You can’t rescue your friend. You can’t neglect your own life to take care of her. But with support for yourself, you can calmly hang in there and support your friend as she goes through the ups and downs of dealing with the violence in her life.