Abuse is defined as the use of physical, emotional, verbal and sexual behaviour to control and maintain power over another human being. An abused woman is a victim of abuse by her partner who is jealous and controlling.

Who Is The Abuser?

     A boyfriend, husband, common-law partner or intimate partner.

    These are examples of domestic violence. This violence takes many forms and can happen once in a while or all the time. Each and every person's situation can be very different but still have similarities.


Warning Signs Of Abuse

Destructive Criticism / Verbal Attacks

     •  Name calling, mocking, accusing, blaming, yelling, swearing, making humiliating
        remarks or gestures.

Pressure Tactics

     •  Rushing you to make decisions through "guilt-tripping" and other forms of intimidation,
        sulking, threatening to withhold money, manipulating the children, telling you what to do.

Abusing Authority

     •  Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are "the truth), telling you what to
        do, making big decisions, using logic.

Disrespect

     •  Interrupting, changing topics, not listening or responding, twisting your words,
        putting you down in front of other people, saying bad things about your friends
        and family.

Abusing Trust

     •  Lying, withholding information, cheating on you, being overly jealous.

Breaking Promises

     •  Not following through on agreements, not taking a fair share of responsibility, refusing
         to help with childcare or housework.

Emotional Withholding

     •  Not expressing feelings, not giving support, attention, or compliments, not
        respecting feelings, rights, or opinions.

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

     •  Making light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously, saying
        the abuse did not happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour, saying you
        caused it.

Economic Control

     •  Interfering with your work or not letting you work, refusing to give you or taking
        your money, taking your car keys or otherwise preventing you from using the car,
        threatening to report you to welfare or other social service agencies.

Self Destructive Behavior

     •  Abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm,
        deliberately saying or doing things that will have negative consequences
        (e.g. telling off the boss).

Isolation

     •  preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives, monitoring phone
        calls, telling you where you can and cannot go.

Harassment

     •  Making uninvited visits or calls, following you, checking up on you, embarrassing
        you in public, refusing to leave when asked.


Acts of Violence

Intimidation

     •  Making angry or threatening gestures, use of physical size to intimidate, standing
        in a doorway during arguments, out shouting you, driving recklessly.

Destruction

     •  Destroying your possessions (e.g. furniture), punching walls, throwing and/or
        breaking things.

Threats

     •  Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you or others.

Sexual Violence

     •  Degrading treatment or discrimination based on your sex or sexual orientation,
        using force, threats or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts.

Physical Violence

     •  Being violent to you, your children, household pets or others, slapping, punching,
        grabbing, kicking, choking, pushing, biting, burning, stabbing, shooting, etc...

Weapons

     •  Use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten you, threatening or
        attempting to kill you or those you love.

What Happens When A Woman Comes to YBH?        back to top>

    We usually get a call from various agencies that refer clients to us (i.e. Police, Mental Health Clinics, doctors, etc. or information supplied through the media, pamphlets, or lawyers). Usually the first contact is by phone.

First Stage:

     Initial contact with a client:

     •  Sit down with client.
     •  Calm her down if she is upset.
     •  See if she wants her children to go with the children’s worker so they can speak privately.
     •  “Hear and Listen” to her story.
     •  Work on making her feel comfortable and supported.
     •  Explain the way the house works.
     •  Give a tour of the house and show her to her room.
     •  Introduce to other residents.

    When a woman arrives at Yellow Brick House, she has made the break from an abusive relationship.
At this point the most dominant emotions are fear or anger.
    In the fearful stage, the woman has usually fled from a particularly explosive situation and did so for
her own or the children’s safety, rather than as a decision to change her situation. At this point she still feels she is to blame for the attack, feels helpless and vulnerable. Often the fear is so intense; she doesn’t
want to leave the house for any reason, and is terrified that he will find her. She needs to talk about the assault and be believed, and needs to feel protected. Yellow Brick House offers her contact with others
in a similar situation.
    Usually this fear is replaced by anger when the woman realizes there is something wrong with her husband’s or partner’s behaviour – that she is not responsible for the attacks. This anger can be useful in energizing the woman to meet the challenge of making a change in her life, rather than just focusing on revenge and hatred.

Second Stage:

    One of the most important steps when a woman is ready is realistic goal planning. Helping to establish
a direction will give the woman a new and necessary focus.

    Goal planning includes: housing, job, finances and custody.

    Most of the women coming to Yellow Brick House need to build their confidence and self-esteem. This
is done by:

     •  Positive reinforcement
     •  Exploring alternatives
     •  Encouraging the women to make decisions

Third Stage:

    Once the goals have been set, it is then up to the woman to work on them with the input of the Hostel Worker assigned to her.

    There are various agencies in the region that are used to help the women achieve their goals:

     1. Ontario Works (welfare)
     2. Family Court
     3. Legal Aid
     4. Manpower Retraining
     5. Public Health
     6. Credit Counseling
     7. Employment Sources
     8. Housing
     9. Children’s Aid Society
   10. Mental Health Clinics
   11. Family Life Centers

    Yellow Brick House’s program is designed to promote independence for the woman while providing a warm supportive atmosphere for her and her children.


Making A Safety Plan        back to top>

    The following is a suggested safety plan for women. Please note that all of the information may not apply
to everyone, but it is designed so that one may extract what they feel is helpful.

Suggestions for Increasing Safety In the Relationship

I will have important phone numbers available to my children and myself.

Important Phone Numbers:

Police: __________________________

Hotline: _________________________

Friend: __________________________

Physician: _______________________

Shelter: _________________________

I can tell ______________________ and _______________________
about the violence and ask them to call police if they hear suspicious noises coming from
my home.

If I leave my home, I can go to ____________________________.

I can leave extra money, car keys, clothes and copies of documents with: _____________________.

If I leave, I will bring:

     •  Identification
     •  Birth certificates for me and my children
     •  Social Security Cards
     •  School and medical records
     •  Money, bankbooks, credit cards
     •  Keys – house/car/office
     •  Driver’s license and registration
     •  Medications
     •  Change of clothes
     •  Welfare identification
     •  Passport(s), green card(s), work permits
     •  Divorce papers
     •  Lease/rental agreement, house deed
     •  Mortgage payment book, current unpaid bills
     •  Insurance papers
     •  Address book
     •  Pictures, jewelry, items of sentimental value
     •  Children’s favorite toys and or blanket

Suggestions for Increasing Safety When the Relationship is Over

I can change the locks, install steel/metal doors, a security system, smoke detectors and an outside lighting system.

I will inform ____________________ and ________________ that my partner no longer lives with me and ask them to call the police if he is observed near my home or my children.

I will tell people who take care of my children the names of those who have permission to pick them up. The people who have permission are: ___________________ and _________________.

I can avoid stores, banks and ___________ that I used when I was with my partner.

If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can call _________________ for support.

I will inform people at school about my situation.



Profile of an Abusive Male        back to top>

    It is very important before giving characteristics of an abusive male that one understands that these men
are usually indistinguishable from other men. Unfortunately, many women fall in to the hands of a controller because they ignore or are not able to recognize the characteristics of males who abuse. These males
often fool women into believing they are involved with a man who is loving caring and affectionate. Instead they turn out be dominating, caring, and lacing the confidence to be emotionally intimate. Often these
men have little or no self-esteem.

Learning To Spot The Controller / Abuser

    •  Does he speak with disrespect or anger about women who have been part of his life? For example,
       his mother, sister, ex-wife? Does he have little respect for women? This may not be evident in early        dating, but it will come out later in the relationship.

    •  Does he have a temper? Does he get visibly angry or hostile? What happens when things don't go        right? Can he handle irritation in traffic? When you are late?

    •  Has he ever hit you, treated you roughly or threatened to hurt you in any way?

    •  Does he constantly find fault with you? Is he some one who's is proud of his high standards
       (especially for others) and his desire for excellence? What he is really saying is that he has high        standards for everyone else. And if everyone doesn't meet these standards, they will be made to
       regret it.

    •  Does he control or disapprove of how you spend your money? A key weapon is money. Stingy
       and miserly at best, he sees no problem with spending money on himself.

    •  Does he try to take advantage of you sexually or make sexual demands on you? Does talking
       about emotional intimacy make him nervous or impatient? Does he understand the difference
       between affection and having sex? After a fight, does he insist on making up sexually?

    •  Does drinking alcohol, even a modest amount, make him a different person? (Jekyll and Hyde)

    •  Does he make excuses for his drinking? Does he seem to need a drink often? Does he need to
       have a drink every day?

    •  Does he use or enjoy humor that puts down or degrades others in subtle or not-so-subtle ways?

    •  Does he try to poke fun at others? What kind of compliments does he give?

    •  Does he lack the ability to laugh at himself? The man who likes to make fun of others is seldom        capable of laughing at himself. He will usually pout or become irritated.

    •  Controllers take themselves very seriously. Does he find it hard to apologize or does he make
       excuses for his behaviour? He may claim that people don't really understand him. When he does        apologize, it's for manipulation purposes.

    •  Does he complain about fellow employees or supervisors who don't know what they are doing? Is
       he a "Mr. Know It All" with an opinion on everything, who blames others for his own inadequacies
       and shortcomings? Is he insecure?

    •  Does he always have to win in sports, table games, and other competitive activities? Is his motto        "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing?"

    •  Does he usually get his way in deciding when, where, and even what, you will eat, where you will
       go and what you will do?

    He may seem very agreeable and want to give you your way (anything your little heart desires) but notice how he acts when the decision is fairly significant and it's a matter of his being inconvenienced, having to take second best or doing something he would really prefer not to do. What happens when he doesn't get his way? Does he pout or withdraw? Does he let you know that you have disappointed him? Is he unpredictable? Does he keep you slightly off balance? Look back over any number of decisions the two of you supposedly made together recently. Do you feel good about the income?

    Another mark of the controller is that everything is geared towards him. He is the center of the universe and you revolve around him. If he can't get his way by being slightly disappointed or even slightly depresses, he may try the other end of the spectrum by yelling and screaming. Controllers must be kept happy at all times costs and the women involved with them pay a very high price for this happiness.


How Can You Help A Friend in an Abusive Situation?    back to top>


HELP YOUR FRIEND RECOGNIZE THE ABUSE:

    Ask questions and talk about what is happening to her. Help your friend to see that what is happening is not normal and to see the signs of abuse. Tell her or him that it will probably get worse.

SUPPORTS YOUR FRIEND'S STRENGTH:

    Recognize the things that your friend does to take care of herself. Encourage your friends strengths and courage. Encourage your friend to do things with you, and with other friends, to have some enjoyment apart from the relationship.

BE NONJUDGMENTAL:

    Try to see that your friend is confused because she is frightened by the violence, but wants the love or security from being with the boyfriend. If your friend wants to stay in the relationship, or goes back and forth about it, try not to tell her that she is wrong. Tell her that you are worried about her safety and self-respect. Help your friend recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent (which blame the victim).

HELP YOUR FRIEND WITH SAFETY PLANS:

    Help your friend focus on being safe. Help her use what she knows about particular resources and about the abuser's patterns to figure out ways to be safe when the abuser is explosive or violent, or verbally or sexually abusive. For example, if your friend is being abused or harassed by her boyfriend, walk with her to school or have her stay over at your house when he is threatening her.

BE THERE. LISTEN:

    Even if your friend breaks up with the abuser and goes back, listen. Support her strength. Eventually your friend will leave, especially with the support of friends.

IF YOUR FRIEND BREAKS UP WITH THE ABUSER, KEEP UP THE SUPPORT:

    It takes a while to get over a relationship that is violent. Keep in close contact through the times she is lonely, or scared, or mad about herself. Your friend my feel like getting back together. She may miss the boyfriend or may not feel strong enough to resist the pressure to get back together.

HELP YOUR FRIEND TALK TO ADULTS TO GET HELP:

    Talk with your friend about telling parents or other adults. Go with her to see a counselor or to enroll in a support group. If she won't talk to an adult, then you must find an adult you trust to talk to about it. Ask your parents or a school counselor, nurse, or administrator. Ask the adult to help, to reach out, to intervene. Talk to your friend's parents about what is happening to your friend. Don't assume that your friend's parents know about the abuse.

IF YOU BECOME FRIGHTENED OR FRUSTRATED, GET SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS OR OTHER ADULTS:

    Educate yourself about dating violence. You can't rescue your friend. You can't neglect your own life to take care of her. But with support for yourself, you can calmly hang in there and support your friend as she goes through the ups and downs of dealing with the violence in her life.

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